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Get ready to celebrate the marvelous world of breasts in all their shapes and sizes!
In this blog post, we’re throwing out the rulebook and embracing the sheer diversity of bosoms. From those elusive “perfect” peaches to the gravity-defying conicals and the oh-so-relatable wide sets (no, stomach-sleepers, it’s not your fault!), we’ve got it all covered.
With quirky alternative names that’ll make you snort, we’re here to tickle your funny bone while promoting self-love and body acceptance. So sit back, relax, and prepare to laugh your way through the wonderful world of breasts!
1. The Peaches:
These are not as common as what everyone might think. The average breasts are actually very rare. Sorry to burst your bubble boys but when seen on screen or in magazines, these perfectly proportioned and naturally gravity defying bosoms are actually not as common as you think.
Also known as:
- The teenager
- The perfect
- The ideal
- The wish-I-still-had-em
- The Photoshopped
Bra recommendations:
- Any (sigh)
2. The Conical
These can be found on women of any age! You don’t have to have breastfed or ridden horses for years, as they can belong to anyone.
Also known as:
- The relaxed
- The narrow
Bra recommendations:
- Triangular & padded
- Wire-free bralette
- Push up
3. The Wide Set
Usually found on people who sleep on their stomachs. Just kidding!
Bra recommendations:
- Wired t-shirt bra
- Push up bra
4. The East – West
When your nipples are facing away from each other. These may be wide set or close set..
Also known as:
- The divorce
- The snobs
Bra recommendations:
- Wired t-shirt bra
- Push up bra
5. The Round
Just as full as they are on top as they are underneath. It’s difficult to tell which way is up when you’re doing a handstand.
Bra recommendations:
- Seamless supportive soft cup bra (aka Basic Bra)
- Wire-free
- Wired
6. The Day Nappers
When your boobs are so high under your chin that you can rest your head on them and have a little nap.
Also known as:
- The portable pillow
- The chin resters
Bra recommendations:
- Lace bralette
- High centre front bra
- Anything racer back
7. The Close Set
Whether you are small or large busted, your boobs are set very close together.
Also known as:
- Daylight savings
- Where’s my necklace
- The permanent cleavage
Bra recommendations:
- Wired t-shirt bra
- Push up bra
- Lacey bralette
8. The Itty Bitties
You might be jealous of your big busted friends but they are jealous of you too. They will never know what it’s like sleeping on their stomach, buying pretty bras, running to catch the bus or free-boobing. Argh the free-boobing.
Bra recommendations:
- Soft cup bralette
- Lucky enough to wear none
9. The Half – Fed
Breastfeeding mums – you know this one. One side is empty, the other side is 3 cup sizes bigger, leaking and baby is sleeping. Welcome to motherhood.
Bra recommendations:
10. The Roald Dahls
Also known as: Twits tits
11. The Fought Hard As Hell!!!
Bra recommendations:
- Multi-cup fitting styles like Sugar Candy
12. The Robots
13. The Canoes
14. The Watch Where You’re Goings
Always pointing down and looking where you’re going. Pity they don’t seem to stop you from falling on your face though.
15. The Desk Resters
When your bra is just not doing its job – it’s time to rest them on the desk in front of you and give your shoulders a break.
16. The Ian Thorpes
If this one needs explaining, Ian Thorpe is a swimming Australian hero – his nickname down under is Torpedo.
Bra recommendations:
- Speedos
17. The Madonnas
Bra recommendations:
- Anything metal
18. The Milk Jugs
When you’ve just had your baby and your milk comes in.
Bra recommendations:
- A seamless multi-fit bra to handle your fluctuations
19. Twin Peaks
20. The Asymmetrical
21. The Ski Jumps
Also known as:
- Tear drop
- Bell
22. The Ghosts
When there is just a nipple.
23. The Melons
When they look like a melon cut in half and stuck to your chest – round and hard. Usually seen with a skimpy triangular bikini skimming the nip.
Also known as:
- The Pamelas
- The are they reals
- The walk behinds
- The coconuts
24. The ‘Where Did They Come Froms’
Usually when you least expect it – they appear from nowhere
25. The Mad Mens
If you’ve seen the show, you know what we’re talking about!
Also known as:
- The Marilyns
- The sheepdogs (round them up and point them out)
26. The Decorated
When you can’t find enough places to pierce or these are your first option.
27. The Crayolas
Also known as:
- Teachers pet
What determines breast shape?
Age
When your breasts first develop they can be very perky and upright. As you age, this can change depending on the weight of them, your body’s skin elasticity from the amount of collagen and the amount of support they’ve received throughout your life. Collagen naturally depletes as you age, so it’s no surprise that your breasts may be in a different position later in life.
Hormones
Responsible for a lot of other major changes in your body from hair growth to height, your breasts are also at the receiving end of these increases. The density and distribution of your breast tissue are also responsive to your hormones and their fluctuations.
Lack of Support
Especially during those dramatic growth periods such as pregnancy and puberty.
Weight Gain / Weight Loss
The density of your breast tissue can be made up of fatty tissue but this percentage ratio is different with all women. Some women lose a lot of weight and their breast size doesn’t change. With others, their breasts can be the first place they lose it.
Ligament Damage
If you’re doing high impact exercise without the correct support, this can result in ligament damage and sagging. Any activity that makes them bounce without support such as driving on an unsealed road, dancing for hours at the club in a tank top or running to catch that bus can contribute.
Weights / Strength
Your pectoral and chest wall muscles sit under your breast tissue. Because of their location, the shape of these can affect the shape of your breasts.
Genetics
Did you know you get your breasts from both of your parents’ genes, not just your mum?
The Pill
If you are on a hormonal birth control pill containing both progestin (synthetic progesterone) and estrogen, you may notice your breast size increases.
At the end of the day, there are so many different body types, ear lobe shapes, labia, hair textures, heights and skin types (to name a few) that all contribute to making you, you. Don’t get me started on your personality as yes, you’re one of a kind. Whatever type of breasts you have, they’re all yours and can do the amazing job of nourishing your babies. They’re amazing no matter what their shape or size.
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